I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
did you just send me my own nude
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
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