just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
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