Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
