I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
