I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
We were destined to go to rehab together
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Randomize
