Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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