alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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