Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Randomize
