When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
