We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
we're making bets on your personal life
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I have feelings that need drinking.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Randomize
