woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
