she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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