i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
