I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
