I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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