"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
