I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
