I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
