Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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