ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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