He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
