im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Randomize
