When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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