I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
