??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Randomize
