I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
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