I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Randomize
