life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
