he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
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