I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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