finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
