I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
