mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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