You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
