Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
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