can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Randomize
