Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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