K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
