Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Randomize
