You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
