I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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