Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
