remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
