Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
