no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Randomize
