apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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