Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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