come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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