She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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