I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
