**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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