No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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