i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
